Mare's Mess

I heard last night that comedian Mitch Hedberg died. Matt and I first caught Mitch on David Letterman in 1999. Most times when you see a comic on one of the late night shows you may smile or chuckle, but then their done and you don't remember a single joke they told, much less their name. Mitch was so unique and we laughed out loud during his performance. We made mental notes of his name and knew we had to remember this guy.

That Christmas I ordered Hedberg's CD for Matt. It was getting close to Christmas and I emailed Mitch to check on the status of the CD. I let him know it was a Christmas gift. Mitch emailed me back and said he wouldn't have any by Christmas but he offered to send an autographed 8 x 10 so I'd have something to give. He did and that was Matt's Christmas present that year. The CD came later and it exceeded our memories of how funny he was.

In honor of Mitch I'm posting a sampling of some of his jokes. If you've never heard his stand up, it may be hard to appreciate the jokes without his delivery. Imagine a stoned guy telling the jokes and you'll have an idea.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut to some skeptical friend. "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." 'you son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? lemme see that camera!'

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

Any others you'd like to add?

A friend sent me a link to Timothy McSweeney Conforms to the Natural Curve of the Spine. Good find. It is a hoot and I had to share this one.



AN OPEN LETTERTO THE GENTLEMAN AT THE BAR WHO ASKED IF I WOULD LIKE A PIECE OF HIM.

BY KYLE SUNDBY
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Dude,


I apologize for only now getting back to you. When first asked if I did, in fact, want a piece of you, I could muster no reply. Frankly, I was taken aback by your surprising offer. Never have I witnessed such an act of selfless generosity.


Alas, my soul does not possess the same depth of compassion for my fellow man as does yours. While I do not always think of myself first, my welfare often holds a position among the front-runners. I treasure my pieces too deeply. I am, therefore, flattered and intrigued by your proposal.


Are you truly willing to give me—someone who only met you moments before, when you bumped into me and my drink on your way to the table shared by you and your acquaintances—a piece of yourself? The tone of your voice and your posture at the time indicated your sincerity regarding the issue, but please, you must be sure. This is not something to be taken lightly and, I assure you, I regard it in all seriousness.


Now, before I return to you my answer, I must ask if there is any piece in particular you wish to give. Surely, when you asked if I wanted a piece of you, you had specific parts in mind. I ask because I do not wish to take something that was not truly offered. Neither do I really wish to receive a piece that I may already possess. The portion that regulates your alcohol intake, for example, is similar to a part that already exists within me (though mine is certainly not nearly as worn from use). You do have some pieces that I do not. The multiple veins that pulsed and expanded throughout your neck are an example. The embarrassed girlfriend would be another.

Additional details that I would like to work out involve location. When you suggested we take it outside, what was your intent? Would this facilitate my receiving your piece? I would appreciate some feedback on this issue, as well as on any other issues you feel have not been addressed.


Your recommendation that I get some, as you insisted, depends on your prompt reply.


Thanks, bro,


Kyle Sundby


Oh and I thought this one was funny too.


New Slogans for America to Use to Sell Itself to the Islamic World.

BY ROB BATES
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The Great Satan Is Now Just Plain Great!
Standing for Freedom and Democracy a Good Percentage of the Time

Home of the Brave, Land of the Free Moist Towelette
The Overwhelming Military Power with a Heart

We're Infidel-ightful!

Who Needs Al Qaeda When You Got Al Roker?

Hope this one warms the cockles of my Linux-loving reader(s).