Stephanie and Somebody

Very early this morning we had a spontaneous miscarriage. I don't really know how else to start, and looking at those words is difficult.

Stephanie is doing well physically, and we will today or tomorrow see her OB/GYN. We got home from the hospital a little over an hour ago, and all tests seem to indicate that everything has passed naturally. So that's supposed to mean that everything is fine.

A few minutes ago a dear friend asked me what stage I'm in. An abstraction, but a caring one. It's too early to talk about stages. It's more like breaths. This one shock. That one anger. This one resignation. That one hope.

They come and go like waves, some stronger than others, lulls in between. But they come and subside and come again. Soon enough they will turn into days, then weeks. Then maybe I'll recognize stages, which of course will mean that it's all over.

Another friend wanted to make sure that I am well networked with people I can talk to. I've never seen my network, but I know the faces of my family and my friends. I know love, and I know that I have it in so many people. I know that words like 'network' and 'stage' are shorthand, but time has stretched and slowed to make room for good words, old words, deep words. Mourning. Friendship. Grace.

We feel bad for people who try to comfort, because what can you really say or do? And yet you want to and even need to care, to act. I guess in that way you're stuck. But we're stuck, too. We haven't found a script for this yet, just as you haven't found one for how to respond.

And in some jacked up way, that's care and it feels healing to us. We're all just trying to make our way through this, and if anyone else could play their part with much finesse, I would probably be angry. Somehow I much prefer the stammering missteps and the second-guessed consolations.

So you can call if you like, or write, or just pray. You don't need to write something out to make sure you don't say the wrong thing. We will treat you with grace, and trust that you are doing the same, as we offer one another tender mercy in a tender hour.