In case you haven't heard..

For now it seems that the hubbub over Jeremiah Wright has quieted some, although I'm sure we can expect it to resurface in the general election, assuming Obama receives the Democratic nomination (here's hoping!). In case you don't know what I'm referring to, some of Barack Obama's political enemies have been making a big deal out of comments by the pastor of Obama's church. Apparently, when people can't find fault in a candidate's platform, voting record, or personal life, they will try guilt by association.

The whole thing got me thinking: if I were running for political office (God forbid) what kinds of quotes would they dig up from my church's pastors in order to cast aspersions on my character? There would certainly be a lot to choose from.

Erika and I first started attending our church because it closely supported the campus ministry we were involved in. We also liked the small, personal atmosphere of the church and its democratic approach to worship and teaching (meaning the church relies primarily on individuals' personal reading and interpretation of scripture).

The church is an evangelical Christian church in small-town Missouri, which means that about 99% of the members and 100% of the leaders are Conservative Republicans, which doesn't bother us so long as people don't preach politics as gospel truth. Mostly we get along great with these people and come away edified from Sunday services. However, with the Christian Conservative movement stepping up its activity in the last several years, there have also been a number of awkward moments at church.

When we first started attending this church the minister was a dimunitive Christian version of Jeff Foxworthy, only much more likeable. I don't want to use his real name here, so let's call him Mark. He had a good teaching style and usually preached valuable lessons for Christian living. Occasionally he would bring up current events and issues in a very vague way, but we learned to tolerate it because, like I said, this is just what it's like to be a Christian in Missouri.

There was one Sunday, though, when Mark started preaching about Galatians chapter 3. I'm sure he made several points about the passage, but the one he spent the most time on (and the one I remember most vividly) was verse 1: "You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified." I say he focused on that verse, but really it was the single word "bewitched" that he latched onto. He followed it onto a long tangent about the TV show Bewitched and how we think it's harmless entertainment, but what we're laughing at is witchcraft, which is the work of the devil. Then he started talking about the evil of Harry Potter (yes, this happened when all that silliness was going on).

I thought this was already bad enough, but then Mark began reading quotes from a newspaper story that he had read in an e-mail newsletter. There were members of the congregation tutting and shaking their heads when Mark read quotes from children like

"Hermione is my favorite, because she's smart and has a kitty," said 6-year-old Jessica Lehman of Easley, SC. "Jesus died because He was weak and stupid."

or

"I used to believe in what they taught us at Sunday School," said Ashley, conjuring up an ancient spell to summon Cerebus, the three-headed hound of hell. "But the Harry Potter books showed me that magic is real, something I can learn and use right now, and that the Bible is nothing but boring lies."

I immediately recognized these quotes from The Onion, having been a loyal reader for years. When I showed Mark that they were from a fake story in a satirical newspaper he assured me he received it from a trusted source. This source eventually admitted its mistake, and Mark was good enough to say so in the next week's sermon (although he still maintained that Harry Potter is witchcraft).

Some time later Mark left the church over a personal scandal, and we were all very upset over him leaving, especially under those circumstances. The church quickly found a replacement in a man named Michael. He was a family man and a farmer who had just recently entered ministry after attending bible college. It's very difficult for me to talk about him without bitterness. Frankly, some of his sermons made me nostalgic for Mark's quaint attacks on Harry Potter. Michael believed that there is One Truth, which is the Truth he learned in bible college. He believed all Christians must believe in that One Truth, and any deviation is heresy.

I'm not exaggerating.

One of his first sermons was about the importance of baptism. At one point he actually said these exact words: "If you don't believe baptism is necessary for salvation, then I question whether you're really a Christian." I do no believe baptism is necessary for salvation, so you can imagine what it felt like to hear him saying that on Sunday morning. That was the first time Erika and I considered leaving the church. There would be others.

Michael was pastor at our church during 2004, which was the darkest year for Christianity I have seen in my lifetime. The religious right went into overdrive trying to convince Christians to reelect George W. Bush. Some churches began to resemble political rallies and there were reports of Democrats leaving their mega-churches en masse. We saw a little of this in our small church, as on the Sunday when Michael gave a sermon on abortion (as if he needed to convince anyone there that abortion is wrong) and after the service he handed out pamphlets about each of the presidential candidates' positions on the matter.

That day was the closest Erika and I have ever come to leaving the church.

Ultimately we decided to stay, for the same reason that we endured previous offenses. We were loyal to our church and not its pastor. We started attending there because of the people and the atmosphere. During the years we had been there, we had grown to love those people even more, and we did not want to leave them. We felt that these people are what make the church, and not the man who stands on stage and talks for 45 minutes each week.

I'm very glad we stayed. Eventually Michael left over disagreements with the elders on theology, meaning that his interpretation of scripture was too narrow even for our church's very conservative leadership. We've hired a new pastor since then, and we like him pretty well. He's not perfect (no Christian pastor is) and there have been a few things he's said that I've taken issue with, but overall I think he's a good teacher. Even if he weren't Erika and I would still stay in our church because we know that being Christian doesn't mean we embrace or even accept the words of whoever happens to be preaching at the moment.

One of the things I miss most about my previously held job at CitiMortgage was the CD club I shared with 2 of my co-workers. Well, just because I was laid off does not mean Citi should lay claim to my need for new music as well as my need for regular pay.

Thusly, I contacted the aforementioned 2 co-workers in an attempt to revive our CD club. The club basically involved the 3 of us deciding upon a theme for a compilation, or mix CD (which sounds so less romantic and elegant than mix-tape, but that's what happens when technology evolves - never mind that it is now the mix-USB flash drive, but I am getting ahead of myself), and then giving ourselves a deadline for producing, for the auditory enjoyment of the other 2 members, an album using that theme. I immediately hear back from one co-worker, but not from the other, although I know the other has far bigger fish or other sea creatures to fry, so I do not hold a grudge against him.

I suggested to my ex-co-worker a city comp, a mix-CD of songs that mention cities. We both excitedly got to work on this project. I like comps, mixtapes, whatever, because the blank audio format becomes a canvas upon which to paint with other artists music in such a way that it becomes its own creation. And I am excited that ECW (ex-co-worker, not Extreme Championship Wrestling) also enjoys making comps.

So yesterday I received a package from ECW. Unfortunately, it was not big enough to be a CD (see, if you remember the 2nd paragraph, then you already know the outcome - if you don't remember it, then you could direct your eyes above and ruin the end of the story for the 2nd time, it's just that you didn't remember ruining it the 1st time). I opened the package, and it held a cassette. See, this made me upset because ECW knows that I do not have the necessary access to a tape player. We have one in the Camry, which Melanie drives (although the other night she sent me out to Oberweis for some premium Conservative Republican ice cream, a trip which I used to blast a cassette with Articles of Faith and Bhopal Stiffs, a tape also made by ECW) and I have one under our TV, but which is not actually hooked up top anything. But I opened it and quickly realized that it was a cardboard tape, a fake, a fugazi, if you will (I just watched Donnie Brasco tonight, forgive me). Inside the fake cardboard cassette tape was a flash drive containing ECW's cities comp entitled "Topics in Audio History: Chicago, Vol. 1." Ambitious, no? See, he compiled 20 songs that all referenced Chicago. I was impressed.

Here, then, since I am actively listening to it, I present my compilation of city songs, dubbed "Downtown Shout Down," a title which is understood and funny only to a select few ex-co-workers. Included is/are the songs referenced.

Be-Common ref Chicago
Cleveland Confidential (Real World)-Pagans ref Cleveland
Safe In New York City-AC/DC ref NYC
All I Can Do Is Cry -Mike Ness ref Kansas City
See Ya Later-The Boys ref Belfast
It's All Moving Faster-Electric Frankenstein ref NYC
Lexington Nightlife-Gas Huffer ref Lexington, Charleston, Concord
Imminent War-Living Sacrifice ref Jerusalem
Doomsday-Transplants ref San Pedro, Washington
Battle Crick-Bantam Rooster ref Battle Creek, MI
Love Kills-Radio Birdman ref Chicago, Detroit
Motor City Is Burning-MC5 ref Detroit
Wanted Man-Johnny Cash ref Kansas City, Cheyenne, El Paso, Pleura, Shreveport, Abilene, Albuquerque, Syracuse, Tallahassee, Baton Rouge
Spanish Fly By Night-New Bomb Turks ref Cincinnati
Gun Street Girl-Tom Waits ref Birmingham, Waukegan
Modern World-The Modern Lovers ref Boston
Idle Hands-The Murder City Devils ref Austin, Dallas
Goodmornin Da-The Tossers ref Dubllin
Bodies-Sex Pistols ref Birmingham, England
The Young Crazed Peeling-The Distillers ref Melbourne
The Strangler of Boston Town-Thee Headcoats ref Boston
Bangkok-Nomads ref Bangkok
Rip Off-Sham 69 ref London
Goin' Back to Tucson-Supersuckers ref Tucson
Normandy-Project 86 ref Normandy